If you ever get to read this….

I used to think relationships are complicated. In fact, even at this very minute, I still do. 2 failed relationships has nonetheless make me mentally stronger.

What is courage? Is it brave? I dont know what gave me the courage to break up with my first boyfriend. It was a sweet loving 7 years. Countless people have asked me if I have made the wrong decision and if i feel regretful. I’m pretty sure that wasnt a lie when I gave an affirmative ‘no’. 2 years has passed and no doubt I still think about him now and then.
Perhaps the only regret is I no longer can text ‘how are you’ even when his number is etched deeply on the back of my mind.

Ok, I lied about the part that I told people I’ve moved on since then. If I have, I wouldn’t have dug up his current girlfriend’s facebook. I feel both sad and relief at the same time. A tinge of sadness that we might have gotten married if we met each other perhaps say, 2 or 3 years later. Relief in a way that he has long move on much faster than I did and the fact he is getting married soon.

I used to tell my friends that I find their wedding comes a little tad too fast. Right, I would like to clarify something. 2 years of courtship is not fast. Perhaps its just a shame that after 7 bloody years, we ended up having nothing but tears, guilt and the lost of faith in relationships. If you were to ask me how long are 7 years in football terms, it’s like watching Arsenal lifting the doubles, achieving the unbreakable record of 49 matches unbeaten and bascially not even lifting a Mickey Mouse cup after that.Or rather seeing a red hair Freddie Ljungberg’s carrer going downhill within that span of years. From that red hair with swedish flare to going bald in West Ham and disappear (in my life) after joing MLS. Oh, and that reminds me of the sexy CK underwear ad then.

The 2nd relationship was short yet not sweet. The only difference from the 1st is that we are very much in contact till now. We have had our happy moments though. Heading to KL for a short trip, eating the $1 ice kachang near my place, jb for grocery shopping and he is one main reason that makes me fall in love with MLB. Though we wouldn’t have the chance to catch any major league action in the future but thanks to him, I flew a few thousand miles to catch Red Sox in action.

We did stuff that normal friends wouldn’t have venture into and I question myself if he really respects his current girlfriend. I tried to break free too many times that I’ve lost count. It has been hell of a roller coaster ride for these past 2 to 3 years.

Close friends would know I still care for him a big deal but seriously, I dont want to be with a man that is indecisive and selfish. He should know there are no such things as having the best of both worlds. Not even in your dreams, baby.

Recent outing with Arsenal boy whom I have known for 5 years just dawned on me foolishly that there might be a chance for romance and if not better, a relationship. I have no idea why i just got so attracted to him. The feelings MIGHT be mutual but when i heard him say that he’s not ready to commit, I was really hurt and disappointed. I simply couldnt find words to describe when Arsenal boy started to relate about his flings and encounters whatsoever. Perhaps I really dont know him well enough but the friendship we have built along these years was just not what I expected from him.
I always believe Arsenal boy is someone who would cheer with me up with crap, fill me in with his short stint at the Emirates and his travel adventures acts as a form of inspiration to me.

I have grown to like him but sad to say, things didnt turn out well as i hope. I could have carried on but I am not a woman that can go to bed without any strings attached. As if the mental stress from the 2nd r/s is not enough, I couldnt find myself doing it again.

I thought there might be a chance that we could head somewhere serious. Doing things together, to be there for one another, pigging out on suppers and even snuggling on the sofa to watch Arsenal. But all these hopes were crashed within a few weeks. I guess its better-the sooner we end, the lesser the pain.

Life experiences might have changed your mindset but I really really yearn to see Arsenal boy back as a nice, responsible guy- Something which I thought you are all these while.

And not a player. .

You might not come across this but if there’s ever a chance that you do, I just wanna say I still cherish the friendship as much as when i first received your Friendster message 5 years back.

If you ever remember this particular song when you sent me when I failed to get into JAL……..

I’m all out of faith
This is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor

Illusion never changed
Into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see
The perfect sky is torn
You’re a little late, I’m already torn

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